I had my first miscarriage today and it has been a surreal experience. It's almost two in the morning and I can not sleep until I get this written out and saved so I can remember how I feel about the whole thing. I got pregnant with baby 4 in April. My last period was on April 10th. I found out I was pregnant at Jon's wedding on May 11th. He got married in California and I brought pregnancy tests with me and tampons just in case it went either way. I wasn't really surprised when the test came up positive... but at the same time, I had a weird feeling about it and at the time, I couldn't put my finger on it. I told my mom, dad, sisters and some friends that day, but kept the news to myself for the most part. I have been seeing an endocrinologist and continued to see him... telling him I was pregnant at six weeks and my TSH and everything being and remaining stable and the same as it has been for several months. I had my first appointment at about 9-10 weeks and had an ultrasound and was able to see the heart beat and allowed myself to feel a little more real about it because the whole time I had had an underlying sense of weirdness (the only way to describe it). I started thinking long term and about finishing the basement, finding out what it was and all of that, but even last week at dinner with some of Jason's work people, Amy told one of them I was pregnant and inside I cringed a little at letting people know and I didn't know why I felt like that because I should have been able to find out what it was in a mere three weeks! Two things in hindsight may have contributed to this feeling. One was the fact that I had been to my endocrinologist twice as pregnant and my dose of medication never had to be adjusted and it has had to be adjusted in the past when I was pregnant with the girls. Second, I never gained weight. I even lost weight the last six weeks.. In the past, I always gain weight, at least 5 pounds right off the bat. So, I acknowledged those things at the time, but thought that it was perhaps a boy and I was going to carry/gain/etc. a little differently than I had with the girls.
However on July 14th (yesterday), I went to my regular 13-14 week appointment with my doctor and he commented on the fact that I had lost weight since the last visit, the fact that I had tested positive for Strep B, (I had been on antibiotics a few weeks ago), and then he went to find the heartbeat with the doppler. He couldn't find it. He tried an ultrasound and he couldn't see it. I had Evelyn with me and so I was told this information and processed it pretty coherently and he said that it looked like I would miscarry even though I had no sign of bleeding, cramping etc. yet. He asked what I would like to do in that event (let it pass on its own or do a D/C). Knowing myself and how I roll, I said that I would prefer a D/C to make sure it was all out and so I could move on in one swoop rather than letting it drag out for days/weeks. He then sent me for another ultrasound to confirm and was able to get me in right then, so I drove other there with Evelyn and Jason met me there. It was confirmed that the baby measured 12 weeks 1 day and that there was no heartbeat. I again felt like I processed the information and felt pretty good or nonemotional about it at least... and even felt a little unsurprised. I guess that is how I am in processing unusual things. I take it in before I decide how to feel. Jason and I went to get a shake and to talk it out a bit and I let Kristin and a few friends know what was going on. The doctor called me and told me that it was up to me when I wanted to do the D/C and said he was in surgery tomorrow or we could do later in the week. I said I would think about it, but always wanted to do it the next day. We left and Jason went to get the kids and I went to my mom and told her in person what was going on.
My mom had a really emotional response and that triggered my emotional response, finally. It felt good to cry about it and talk it over with someone who is very similar to me (or I to her I guess) in how we deal with things and to hear her talk about a bigger picture and other things that helped me put my mind to ease about what was going to happen and where I go from here. I left her house and let a few more people know and went home to get the kids and let Jason go to a soccer training he had. Jason had told the kids and Jack was sad about it, Savannah didn't really understand... but we talked about it a little and I explained how I might be feeling and asked for patience with me. I took Jack to soccer practice and went over to Amy's house and talked some more, all the while feeling better and processing more and more. I left Amy's, picked up Jack and brought the kids home and gave them baths. The girls were fighting in the tub, I had a headache coming on and Jack was dealing with his feelings by being weepy and combative about random things and I lost my temper a few times with them. I was getting the girls dressed a bit later and totally had a breakdown in their room and felt comforted by them hugging me and Jack telling me he understood why I was acting that way and I just really had a good sob fest. It felt really good to get that out. The kids went to bed and I made an effort to just not say anything and let everything wash over me and just to focus on getting myself to bed where I could sleep off the headache and see things fresh in the morning. Jason came home and we talked a bit and decided that once I knew the baby had died, I didn't want it in me anymore. So we decided that I would call in the morning and try to get in today (July 15th). Kristin had offered to take my kids and so had a few friends and my mom so I had told everyone that I would let them all know the plan in the morning.
I woke up when Jason got up to play bball at 615 and kinda dozed and watched the sunrise out my window and thought and thought. I woke up and got up about 815 and was able to call the doc at 830 and leave a message. Jason went to work and I spent the next hour texting and calling and making arrangements. It was decided that I would go to the hospital at 2 and they would fit me in, Kristin would take my girls, Amy would take Jack, my mom would have them all dropped to her in the evening and have them until we got home. I dropped the girls off at 11 and came home, finished work, cleaned the house and showered and Jack was picked up around 1. After Jack left, I turned on some church music and Elder Hollands talk "The Grandeur of God" and really listened to that and let what he was saying wash over me. I had tears and I prayed and I really felt my Heavenly Father's love in that moment. I felt that everything would be okay and I prayed specifically for peace, for some kind of something to help me in going forward in my family planning and life in general. I really felt so loved and comforted and when Jason came home we went to the hospital and I just let the experience go over me as well and I took it all in.
We got there at 210 or so and registered and when we got up to the operating floor, they were waiting and ready for us. We got to a room, I got changed and soon I was on my way. I have never had surgery before so it really was a crazy thing for me, but I was so interested in it at the same time. Jason went to the waiting room and they wheeled me in and as I went back I felt a titch emotional and just prayed prayed prayed for all to be well. For Heavenly Father to take this baby from me and take care of him until we see him again and really just acknowledged that this little thing they were taking out was an actual life and spirit and I wanted to tell him I was sorry that it turned out this way and for Heavenly Father to take care of him. I went into the operating room really calm and interested and commented to the nurse that it didn't look like Greys Anatomy. Since that is where I get my medical information. :) I asked the doc some questions (were they sure, would they be able to tell why etc) and then they put me under, which is pretty dang cool. I remember the feeling of the ceiling spinning and then the next thing I remember is them saying "Erin" and then something pretty amazing happened.
It was a flash, and as I have thought about it today, it was more like a wink or a twinkle and I saw a little boy... wearing a red shirt, or on a red trike and a blond curly head of hair riding his bike in front of my house and I felt that I would have that little boy someday, that I was loved and healthy, and that everything was okay. And then it was gone. I woke up and felt great. They took me to my room and I continued to wake up and talk with Jason and just felt alight with faith and hope and joy and I held that experience in the recovery room as a talisman of hope and peace (and I still do). I am so grateful for an answer to prayers and for peace it brought to me.
So, now I am home with very little cramping, needing to take no medication and some bleeding, but having gone through my first (and hopefully only) miscarriage. I can't sleep because it is a billion degrees in my house and I have had some thoughts swirling around in my head and so these are the things that I have concluded and want to remember about this experience.
First, for me my faith hinges on my Heavenly Father. Once you have an accurate picture of Him, everything else falls into place. It was His plan that sent us here. It was His son who came and atoned for us to get us back to Him, it is Him we are trying to reach. And once you know that, and know that you are his CHILD and that He loves you that way, everything else makes sense. I have been reading a bunch of different things lately and one of them was "Mere Christianity" and at the end he talks about the trinity and it just doesn't sit well with me that he was taking Heavenly Father out of the equation. Christ came to do His work and it is by Heavenly Father's power that we have every blessing in our life. So, I can't take him out of it. And I'm so grateful that I have the knowledge of this Father and his love for me. What a difference it makes to realize how much you are loved and treasured and that you have a plan, specifically for you. Of course I am grateful for Christ as well and have a testimony of him, but really this experience has been a testament to me of my Heavenly Father, who up until now has been a bit distant for me, at least not as tangible as Christ, but in a few short days/hours, that has changed for me.
Second, I am thankful for the church. It makes sense to me. Joseph Smith makes sense to me and the church and its community gives me peace. Jack is getting baptized in a few weeks and I hope I can convey this to him... that it just makes sense and even though there are weird things being said and a lot of controversy going around... it doesn't change what the church is at the core and you have to really focus on the things that make sense and let the other things go to your faith. The Articles of Faith make sense. And the Gospel just speaks joy and peace and fulfillment in this life.
It's amazing what one experience can teach you and I really feel peaceful and thankful for the experience. I'm thankful for such wonderful family and friends, who oh my goodness, rallied around me and seriously gave me so much strength. I am blessed, blessed, blessed. The other thought I came out of it with was that I want to be a labor and delivery nurse at some point in my life. I love the hospital for some insane reason, have had such great experiences there, and just feel better each time I have left. Maybe all of that is trying to tell me something. So, I don't know how that will come about, but I'm putting it out there as something I will try to do as my kids get a little older.
For now, Jason and I are going to take a beat.. let my body heal and then really listen to the Spirit in when we decide to give it another go. I don't want to have a baby on a time frame, because so and so has four kids, or any other reason other than to bring that blond haired boy to our family whenever that time comes.
